today

i must be incredibly organized and productive today and finish up the majority of my work for the year. but there is a reward at the end of the day: elliot and fallon are coming down to school and we're spending time in the prayer room, talking, walking around, being girls, and then going to oasis worship at nine.

have a wonderful day all of you.
i love you all so very much and am praying for each and every one of you.

we need each other.

[galatians 5]

just as i am.

thank You Father for Your unending love, mercy, and grace.
thank You that i can come just as i am
(because that is really the only way that i can come).
thank You for the past thirty days,
and thank You for what You have shown me,
and will continue to reveal to me
(in Your time).
i praise You for Your time,
for it is so good and so much better than mine.

thank You for hours spent before Your throne.

(facedown is really the only way i know how to come right now).

i praise You for all that You are-sovereign, glorious, compassionate, all-knowing, infinite, lovely, pure, kind, righteous, humble, forgiving, just, and so much more.

well this sure brought me to my knees.

"I may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. I must rather respond to principles I know to be right, whether I feel them to be enjoyable or not."

-Jim Elliot

oh, monday.

add a (non school related) book to this picture and this is what i would like to be doing all day today.

and it really is all from Your hands.

last night i was sitting in bed, unable to sleep and not sure what to do. i hopped out of bed (literally, because my bed is just a little too high to just get out of...makes life fun) and decided to do some reading. fortunately the Lord has blessed me with two incredible roommates. both love the Lord and both express it in a completely different and unique manner.

i discovered (through amanda) a really awesome resource.
an online magazine written for young adult believers (mainly for those who are single and waiting, but regardless of your status, the articles are really good and worth your time). get lost for hours in encouraging, uplifting, convicting, and intriguing articles found here.

so, as i was sifting through articles i found this little guidebook, which is basically a compilation of previously published articles. there are two booklets titled: "a girl's guide to marrying well" and "a guy's guide to marrying well". find them for FREE here, and explore the rest of the site, too.

anyways, back to my story. i was reading through the girl's guide when it hit me. i have been wrong this whole time. about a lot of things (basically everything; it's always a bummer to find that out, huh?). i may be too scared to admit i want nothing more than to marry and serve my husband. not in a "desperate and trapped" manner, but in a way that honors Christ. you see, marriage really is not about me. but i don't really like thinking that way, because i have spent so much time gushing over unrealistic romantic movies, books. i don't mind singing along to every taylor swift song hopeful that someday those lines are true for me.

and i would not say that thinking that way is necessarily wrong, but it is incomplete. marriage is not just for ourselves, rather it is meant to mirror Christ's love for His children, the redeemed. it is about loving someone selflessly and regardless of if you will get anything out of it. now, i am the farthest from an expert. heck, i have never even had a boyfriend before. but, i have learned a few things on the sidelines and though i wished at times for a different past, i am so incredibly thankful for the life the Lord has given me.

one thing i was convicted of was purity. now, don't get me wrong, outwardly/physically i could probably win a medal of something for purity (honestly, i mean it). however what does all of scripture tell us? well, for one thing, IT IS NOT ABOUT OUTWARD APPEARANCES (that was mainly emphasized for myself, since i cannot seem to fully get that through my head). Christ looks at our hearts, and it is our motives that matter to Him. purity on the outside has been incredibly easy, at least for me. purity on the inside is just a little bit more difficult. and not just sexually speaking, purity of heart applies to every issue. i think i'll start praying about that, but i am pretty sure it'll take me the rest of my life to complete the task of always having pure motives and feelings. that is when grace comes in though, right? waiting on the Lord is a good thing; i may not feel like that is true all of the time, but i most definitely believe that to be true.

anyways, please do not take anything i say too strongly, for i am the last person qualified to speak on relationships. what i do know is that i have a lot of learning left to do and cannot wait to finish reading this booklet. i pray that i continually seek God's grace to live intentionally like i am getting married. maybe that will ward off men for the next few years and i will have to wait until i am thirty, but i would say that it is worth it.

this verse is really hard to live out day after day, however living this way (intentionally) will bring about indescribable joy in your life because the focus will be Christ (not you).


philippians 4:4-9-
" Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

that's just a little piece of my heart.
take it with a grain of salt and don't believe anything
that does not line up with the Word.
i suppose i am feeling a little to transparent
these days, but to me that's far better
than pretending to be something that i am not.

take comfort, my dear.

this evening i was in a prayer room praying and worshiping and going through john 14. specifically the end of john 14, verses 18-31. this section talks a lot about loving God and keeping His commandments. if you love Him, you obey Him. simple. you need not be troubled, for if you know Christ, really know Him, then you have nothing to fear. the devil has nothing on our God. He came so that we might have life, and more importantly that we might glorify Him with our lives. what is interesting is that while praying over these verses i was led (this does not usually happen, i usually stay in one section at a time) to a very odd and rarely read book.

taste and see who the real one true God is.

habakkuk 3:17-19-
"though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit
on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the
fields produce no food, though the flock should be
cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,
yet i will exult in the LORD,
i will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
the Lord GOD is my strength, and He has made my feet
like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places."

soon she will be alyssa kaeding.

THIRTY EIGHT DAYS UNTIL MY SISTER GETS HITCHED!

(half of the lovely bridesmaids right there. jackie's gotta wait for us girls to catch up to her skin color. i glow, that's for sure)

how gracious is He.

psalm 86:15-
"but You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abundant in
lovingkindness and truth."

proverbs 3:31-34-
"do not envy a man of violence,
and do not choose any of his ways.
for the devious are an
abomination to the LORD; but
He is intimate with the upright.
the curse of the LORD is on
the house of the wicked, but
He blesses the dwelling
of the righteous. though He scoffs
at the scoffers, yet He gives grace to the afflicted."

romans 5:18-21-
"so then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation
to all men, even so through one act of righteousness there
resulted justification of life to all men. for as through
the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners,
even so through the obedience of the One the many
will be made righteous. the Law came in so that the transgression
would increase; but where sin increased,
grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned
in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to
eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

2 corinthians 12:9&10-
"and He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power
is perfected in weakness." most gladly, therefore, i will rather boast about
my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

therefore i am content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when i am weak, then i am strong."

get this:
yesterday could probably go on record for one of the worst days of my life...more so, one of the worst days of my life where i let my attitude get the best of me. everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. from huge things that still need to be worked out, to silly little occurrences that i let frustrate me. think about it-how often do we let small things become a HUGE deal? probably too much. yesterday was also a crabby day, for circumstances and reasons i will not list here and i went before the Lord without a word to say. He knew i was frustrated. He knew my concerns. He knew what i was so burdened over. so i sat in my bed, without a word to offer up to Him, and simply meditated on what i already know. that which i already know is this: God is gracious, He is merciful, and is a great comforter. sometimes face-down prayer is really the best; being willing to confess that i haven't a single word or praise to offer to my Lord. what was really cool is that i went to bed (though i was on every avenue exhausted) completely refreshed and at peace.
today was incredible. i was woken up by a thunderstorm (yay) and it only got better. every class and discussion was a gift from the Lord and exactly what i needed. the chapel speaker made me cry my eyes out, and also gave me confirmation on my major. in the one class i am struggling in and need a B in i got my second huge exam back. unlike the exam before where i did so incredibly poorly, i got a b. B!!!!!!!! that b is truly a miracle.
maybe what i am learning more and more each day is that though i may think taking things into my hands is a wonderful idea, it never works out too well. but, when i trust in the Lord to carry me through the night after a terrible day, and when i plead with Him to keep me awake and keep my brain moving for an exam i have coming up, that He answers prayer! even selfish prayers. my God is a God who relishes over His children and desires to be their one Treasure. through lows and highs i have learned how God is still God. He carried me through yesterday, and He ran with me today.

this is what i am learning,
that God does not belong in a box
and that nothing is out of His sovereign plan.

matthew 13:44-
"the kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden
in the field, which a man found and hid again;
and from joy over it he goes and
sells all that he has
and buys that field."

dear,

dear april-you are sucking the life out of me. i cannot take much more schoolwork.
dear sunshine-oh, how lovely you are. i thank the Lord for you.
dear roommates-how blessed i am to have been placed with you gals :)
dear hallmates-ditto :D

dear sister-please do not leave me for married land, who is supposed to keep me company at home?
dear elliot-i love you and westley so stinking much. i love how close we have gotten over the past few years. i praise the Lord for providing a friend like you.
dear next wednesday-hurry up, roomies and i are going to the TWINS game!
dear nwc-i love you and i praise the Lord for bringing me here.
dear dad-you are just the best ever. no thanks for setting my standards so high though...that was mean of you. real mean :D
dear mom-thank you for being a godly (sometimes crazy) woman. i pray i am a mother like you were and are someday (far far from now).
dear texas-you are mean, you still my mantha from me and i would like her back.
dear knifesay-want an ice cream cone?
dear ppts-we will be that forever and ever. amen.
dear spring-welcome to my new favorite season, which is you.
dear praise fm-thank you for actually playing Spirit led worship and keep Christ as the center of every song. please don't tell school i do not like ktis, i may just get kicked out :D
dear self-stick to your running plan, it is worth it.
dear biology class-please do not kick me too much this summer.
dear lifespan psych-i would really like to get a b in your class.
dear old and new friends-thank you for being there for me, through heartache and joy and through every season. the Lord has really blessed me and i am undeserving and eternally thankful for the people He has placed in my life.

dear Lord-thank You for You unconditional love, mercy, and grace. thank You that your mercies are new every morning and that You grace (Your sufficient grace) is not based on what i do, but rather on the work You have done on the cross. thank You for tetelestai. thank You for forgiveness. thank You for the ability to read, to study, and learn. thank You for protecting me and guarding me even when i want nothing of that. thank You Lord for your goodness and sovereignty. i have been given more than beyond measure and i serve a good and wonderful King. thank You that though riches and status and jobs and school and all else can come and go, that my identity never changes-i am a daughter of the King now and always. forevermore.

also, thank you Lord that sometimes You are so obvious with what You want me to meditate on. we sang Be Thou My Vision sunday morning at church AND sunday evening at worship.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

know this.

my God is an infinite God who knows all, loves all, and desires all. He is so much bigger than my small finite head can imagine.

"You turn ashes into beauty; You are forming not against me now...You turn mourning into dancing and weeping into a joyful noise. Oh, rejoice- I was dead in my sin and You came in."

afterthought:

it wasn't the nails that held Him to the cross, it was love.

as i look back and reflect on what Christ did on the cross, i realize this. i realize that His gory, gruesome, terrible, awesome death could not be any more relevant. please don't dress it up for me, please do not tell me i can do it on my own-i want nothing of that. i want Christ; the Christ who cried out on the cross, who was crucified, and took on my sins. out of love He redeemed us all, but let's not make this day and His death about us. He did it all for His glory, so that God would be recognized and glorified in light of His grace and compassion.

Isaiah 53-

"Who has believed our message? And to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of parched ground;
He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and like one from whom men hide their face. He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But He was pierced through for our transgressions,
He was crushed for our iniquities; the chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed. All of us like sheep have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; but the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all to fall on Him. He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; like a lamb that is led to slaughter, and like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, so He did not open His mouth. By oppression and judgment He was taken away; and as for His generation, who considered that He was cut off out of the land of the living for the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due? His grave was assigned with wicked men, yet He was with a rich man in His death, because He had done no violence, nor was there any deceit in His mouth. But the LORD was pleased to crush Him, putting Him to grief; if He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, and the good pleasure of the LORD will prosper in His hand. As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; by His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, as He will bear their iniquities. Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great, and He will divide the booty with the strong; because He poured out Himself to death, and was numbered with the transgressors; yet He Himself bore the sin of many, and interceded for the transgressors."

but it does not end there, no it does not.
up from the grave He rose again!
glorious.